Taking care of yourself

I’ve talked about stress and will continue to mention it often.  The most important thing you can do while taking care of another is to take care of yourself first.  It is definitely not selfish. Remember the instructions about oxygen masks on an airplane?  If you are traveling with a child or someone that needs assistance put yours on first, then help the other person. Simply put, you need to be whole and rested so as to give to others.  If you collapse, you are not much help to anyone.

The most important person in the equation will be you.  If you are unsettled, so will those around you be unsettled.   You are the one that will need as much care as your parent and you are the only one who can give that to yourself.   That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask for others to help.  That is part of what and how you give to yourself.  It all begins and ends within you.

STRESS AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

There will be more than one tip on stress, because in essence that is the key to becoming the caregiver you would like to be.  However minimally you may be involved in the care of your parent at first, there will always be worry and concern.  As they are less able to care for themselves, these worries and concerns increase.  You may have the tendency to want to fix the problem. The problem is they are at the end of their lives and you can’t fix it.  You may know this logically, but logic is not part of your heart and in your heart, you want to fix the problem.  Therefore, you may keep on trying to fix it.

Your heart and your head are at war with this concept, and your body is in the middle and it begins to suffer.  Whether or not you have family support, it is important to find a group that is made up of other caregivers.  It’s called a support group.  It may be you will find one through your physician, home health group, or hospital.  If there are none around, start one.  You will not be the only person in your town, or even in your neighborhood who is going through this.

Sharing your frustrations, anger, and sadness with others that have the same or similar problems will be more help than you can realize.  There are frustrations, anger and sadness and keeping them to yourself only makes them toxic to your body. Stress is a disabler and you can’t function in that condition. A support group becomes a safe place where you can vent!  So, find one before you are over stressed.  If you are involved with a church, find someone to talk with there

At the very least, grab a friend and go out to lunch or take your parent out to lunch.  They are probably feeling your stress too and this may release a little of the tension, particularly around the holidays.

Changing Family Dynamics

If you grew up in a household that did not give you a feeling of safety and well being, you have some choices that you really need to look at – carefully – before you consider becoming a caregiver for your parent.

One: Don’t do this.  Find another relative, or placement in a home.

Two: Or, if you do take the responsibility, do it differently than it   

          was done to you.

You have the opportunity to change your family dynamics.  If you didn’t grow up in a home that created a nurturing atmosphere, you have the opportunity to create one now.

If there are other siblings that can help, hold a family meeting and discuss all the alternatives and strategies that can be used.  There are many families who won’t come to some agreement about how to take care of mom or dad.   Emotions are often high in these meetings.  It might help to invite the minister or the doctor to help clarify the type of care that will be needed. 

Get a clear understanding of what will be required from the person who will do the main care giving and have a consensus of how it will be done.  Remember one mother can take care of four children, but four children can rarely take care of one mother.  I have heard this said many times from the older generation.

There may be resistance from your parent so bringing them into the decision making process is very important, that is if they are able to understand what is happening.  Remember, you are becoming a parent FOR your parent and not to them.  There is a big difference when you do something for someone rather than to them.

GUILT

Guilt: The act or state of having done wrong or committed an offense. 

 

From my point of view, it can also be said that a guilt complex is the act of believing you have committed an offense whether or not you have actually done so.  The offense could be from someone else's point of view and you will are willing to believe what they think.  Or, even worse, you make up something that you think they think.  Are you following this? 

Guilt has no place in anyone’s life.  (Unless, of course, you have committed a crime for which you could be incarcerated.) It’s a robber of energy and sometimes just plain common sense.  The truly guilty rarely have a sense of it and the rest us live in it’s shadow more than we should. There will always be ‘things’ we could, would, or should have done.  A good portion of the time we are only working with the knowledge we have at hand, our own physical and mental strength, and later discover that something else could have been done to make things better.  If you feel the need to beat yourself up, please be aware that it won’t make any difference in the universe ten years from now, or even one year from now.  It’s like beating a dead horse. 

Create a check list:

• Why do you feel this way?
• Is it a rational feeling or emotional?
• How can you change it?

Louisa Hay stated that feelings are thoughts and thoughts can be changed.  If you continue with these feelings the internal injuries you’ll be receiving are far worse than whatever caused those feelings of guilt.  Seek help because these feelings are like an open wound and you would not leave that unattended, would you?  There are those who are going through the same emotions and talking with others may be a help; or talking with a professional may also be a service to you.

At this point, suffering is truly optional.

HUMOR IS A GOAL

In my book, How To Be A Parent For Your Parent, I begin with a quote from Victor Borge:  “Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations.  There is more logic in humor than in anything else.  Because, you see, humor is truth.”

         

The truth of the matter is that life always brings us the unexpected.   We ask the universe ‘why me!”  We believe we are powerless and there is no planning for these events.  That isn’t so.   What will fortify us against life’s events ‘just happening,’ is a sense of humor and an of attitude flexibility.

Humor gives us sense of balance because we learn to see our own human shortcomings and eccentricities with a lighter heart.  When we know ourselves to be susceptible to imperfection, our basis for judging others is less severe.  We know that “But for the grace of God, go I.”

Flexibility allows us to bend and not break before the winds of the unexpected.  It allows us to look more quickly for another solution, a better point of view, and a new way of thinking.  When life ‘happens’, we are better equipped to make new plans, handle whatever mess there is, and get on with our lives.

During the job of parenting your parent, there may possibly be many truths that you hadn’t notice before – truths about your parents, your family and yourself.  Some of these will be life lessons.  They won’t always be comfortable, pleasant or easy.  Seeing them with a lighter heart, however, will expand your ability to handle them more smoothly. 

A lighter heart eases the burden and allows truth to have its place without rancor.

What you need to know first

Check out the EBook at www.howtobeaparentforyourparent.com

Manuals on Care giving are in short supply but with the internet information is now more available and you have to research.  Theories are everywhere.  Caregivers often feel over whelmed and frozen in place because the responsibility of taking care of their parent is emotionally draining. This leads to a very stressful existence.  Anything and every thing you can do to reduce your stress is paramount in helping yourself take care of your parent.

Know that you do have the right to the best information!  Insist upon it.  Doctors and health care facilitators may be the professionals, but you are the one in the line of fire.  Ask about the medications.  Ask if there are side affects.  Always ask what the options are.  When you can think of no other questions, ask what questions you need to be asking.  Moreover, don’t be afraid to get a second opinion. 

When you’re at the doctors, take notes and keep them in a notebook.  Keep track of what tests were done, what the results were, and if the medications were change and why.  Four months down the road you won’t remember what was said or done at this appointment and you may want to.

The more information and knowledge you have, the greater your power and control over your circumstances.  This will translate into less stress for you.