Changing Family Dynamics

If you grew up in a household that did not give you a feeling of safety and well being, you have some choices that you really need to look at – carefully – before you consider becoming a caregiver for your parent.

One: Don’t do this.  Find another relative, or placement in a home.

Two: Or, if you do take the responsibility, do it differently than it   

          was done to you.

You have the opportunity to change your family dynamics.  If you didn’t grow up in a home that created a nurturing atmosphere, you have the opportunity to create one now.

If there are other siblings that can help, hold a family meeting and discuss all the alternatives and strategies that can be used.  There are many families who won’t come to some agreement about how to take care of mom or dad.   Emotions are often high in these meetings.  It might help to invite the minister or the doctor to help clarify the type of care that will be needed. 

Get a clear understanding of what will be required from the person who will do the main care giving and have a consensus of how it will be done.  Remember one mother can take care of four children, but four children can rarely take care of one mother.  I have heard this said many times from the older generation.

There may be resistance from your parent so bringing them into the decision making process is very important, that is if they are able to understand what is happening.  Remember, you are becoming a parent FOR your parent and not to them.  There is a big difference when you do something for someone rather than to them.

GUILT

Guilt: The act or state of having done wrong or committed an offense. 

 

From my point of view, it can also be said that a guilt complex is the act of believing you have committed an offense whether or not you have actually done so.  The offense could be from someone else's point of view and you will are willing to believe what they think.  Or, even worse, you make up something that you think they think.  Are you following this? 

Guilt has no place in anyone’s life.  (Unless, of course, you have committed a crime for which you could be incarcerated.) It’s a robber of energy and sometimes just plain common sense.  The truly guilty rarely have a sense of it and the rest us live in it’s shadow more than we should. There will always be ‘things’ we could, would, or should have done.  A good portion of the time we are only working with the knowledge we have at hand, our own physical and mental strength, and later discover that something else could have been done to make things better.  If you feel the need to beat yourself up, please be aware that it won’t make any difference in the universe ten years from now, or even one year from now.  It’s like beating a dead horse. 

Create a check list:

• Why do you feel this way?
• Is it a rational feeling or emotional?
• How can you change it?

Louisa Hay stated that feelings are thoughts and thoughts can be changed.  If you continue with these feelings the internal injuries you’ll be receiving are far worse than whatever caused those feelings of guilt.  Seek help because these feelings are like an open wound and you would not leave that unattended, would you?  There are those who are going through the same emotions and talking with others may be a help; or talking with a professional may also be a service to you.

At this point, suffering is truly optional.